whos_athena

       The subject of today's entry is decisions.  Let me just come right out and say they fucking suck.  Whether it is what you want to eat or who you want to be with the human condition never allows you to be satisfied with just one.  What hurts the most is when the decision you make involves hurting someone else you care about.  Whatever the circumstances may be, a full on battle immerges between what is known to be right, and what feels right.  And every single time without fail, what feels right is what us naturally impulsive people do..............and every single time what feels right seems to force you into making even more decisions that you just don't want to make.  So what do you do ? What feels right...... then end up possibly having to deal with more, or what you know to be right? Well there are two ways to look at this. If you do what feels right you may only find a temporary sensation of happiness and relief, but you will have trusted your gut.  Then again if you do what you know is right you may feel a greater, long lasting relief and happiness........  Case in point decisions fucking suck.

I have come to a place so unknown,
No people here, so completely alone. 
This warped condition within myself,
This twisted "paradise" that helps. 
Let this mental suicide consume me.
Let it run wild with all emotion dubbed crazy.
This ferocity that overcomes my better half.
This forever present self- torture.
I need someone to drag me away.
I need to never again want to stay.

There is no certainty that this will actually work, but It is worth a try.
I want people to see some of the things I write in hopes that it will make them feel less alone.
However, I never plan on disclosing my indentity if I do in fact end up with viewers.
Knowing there are no certainties in life this could possibly never go further than this one entry, but as long as I try. 
I see myself as a coin.  Two sided, with two faces.  I do not mean I am not trustworthy or a good person, rather that I have two major, conflicting personalities. 

My first personailty is probably the one I should like best.  A happy, engaging, confident person.  Someone who loves being the life of the party and having a great time.  A person people enjoy being around.  That person that everyone thinks man they have it together... they are going places in their lifetime.  A person that radiates warmth and love.  Then there is my other personality...

This side of me that I cling to and will not let go of.  A side of me that hates themself.   Someone who makes the people they love worry about them.  Someone who hates what they look like and how they feel about themselves.  Someone who is so self absorbed in their own pointless sorrow. 

I wish I was more courageous. I wish I was stronger.  I wish I was better.  

Tonight I am feeling like the better side of me is taking over... And so this happiness shall be my muse for what I will write to you all. 

Other than the confusion of who I am, my life in general thus far has been much kinder to me than I deserve.  It has given me good friends and an amazing boyfriend.  It is allowed me to love and lose and pick up the pieces of my broken heart and let them slowly fuse back together.  I have been incandescently happy and completely inconsolable.  All things that make this life worth living.  I trust my heart, and he who posseses it.  I trust love and feel that it is essential in any person's life.  To love someone is to be without pride or insecurity.  It is truly the most remarkable emotion we are able to feel.  I can not believe how hollow I was before this love of mine came to be.  You can live your whole life thinking you are whole until you find them.  Someone who fits the mold of that empty space inside you.  Even if you are young and it is not forever, they still leave with you a better recognition of the person you want to be. 

I suppose that's all there is to know for now.  To all of those who read this, if there is any at all,  I hope this helped you.  Even if it was in a very small way.
                                                                                                        I'll be writing,
                                                                                                                                 Athena